#937… The We’re Hungover For Betty Hash… Saturday, January 1st, 2022
So no shit, there I was, being shaken awake out of my half hungover, half still drunken stupor, one hour from the start of a trail I was supposed to hare and had made zero plans for. I was not in my own house and had zero hashing things with me. It was cold, and rainy, and I was very tempted to just say ‘fuck it’ since trail would almost certainly have a shitty turnout.
And yet, I’m such a generous and amazing hasher I got up, got my shit together, and sped home to grab a special travel hasher and prepare for what would surely be a shit show.
We arrived to the start location (a currently closed Black Acre Beer Garden parking lot) to the sight of more travel hashers from Bloomington and Dayton. I quickly apologized that they made the trip for this rainy unplanned trail that was going to be one step above a fat boy. We found shelter in a loading dock (not to be confused with a docking load) next door and decided to do circle there where at least the chalk marks wouldn’t get immediately washed away. As we bullshitted and I opened up Google maps to see what the hell I was actually going to take trail, more and more hungover Hashers stumbled in. Everyone had obviously done their due diligence of honoring the late great Betty White by drowning their livers the night before.
By the time our hungover RA, GM, and cash hag rolled in we had the following wankers: Princess Albert (DCH3), CockANoodle and Just Emily (Dayton H4), Leohard (FUCH3) Responsibilibitch, Unanim-ass, and Dickerdoodle, Man Buns of Steel, (Bloomingfools H3), Cunt–err Libercrotchy, Poly Glamorous, Feeldoe Floggins, Killer, ReMEMBER Me, Neeeeerrrrrd!, Hairy Mankini, Tyra Spanks, Crapplesauce, and my mystery Cohare, whom I didn’t expect to actually show up to start, valiantly ended her 2 year hashing hiatus: Venereal Day!
After introductions there was only one special instruction mark to explain: A Turkey/Poly split. True trail only needed to be about 0.4 miles to get to the on-in. However, Poly Glamorous in a truly disgustingly racist act begged for trail to be at least 0.7 miles so he could hit his 100.69 mile holiday hundred goal. Again, this generously amazing and dedicated hare agreed and made a special extra loop specifically for Poly while letting everyone else go directly to the on-in beer check.
With that the hares set off, asking for only 10 minutes of a head start. I can only assume we were given about half that. After the split, as I was laying the racist extra loop around the block there in Irvington, I was flagged down by a panicking Snatchcracker. She and Jewbacca were apparently illiterate and went to the actual Black Acre restaurant instead of the Beer Garden they were instructed to be at, so they now had to close their tabs and join midway through this shitty trail.
As I got back to the split to join back on the Turkey leg I saw the walkers had already passed it and were up ahead of me. Gispert must have been looking down on me while raw dogging the newly arrived Betty White because I was miraculously able to thread the needle of walking in to the on-in behind the walkers and seconds in front of the runners behind me without being caught.
On-In was at VD’s lovely new home. She had recently had a house warming party and volunteered to host the hash for the beer check and on after to be able to get rid of the several leftover cases of beer. We happily obliged. We circled in the screened in porch where many crimes were awarded with down downs, several of which went to Poly who hit his 100 hash milestone. Jewbacca, Snatchcracker, and the late cumming Triceratits were called out for their clock mismanagement. Travelers were given their opportunity to show us their jokes or sing us their body parts. I believe we poured one out for the late great Betty White, and ended with Glorious Victorious. Somehow the hash gods were still smiling down on Monogamistake as I escaped circle without being called out for my brand new light-up shoes which surely would have been ruined by being turned into my vessel, so thanks G (and Re Me for being nicer than I would be)!
VD rewarded those that stayed for the on after with very tasty meatballs, chicken wings, fried food, and copious amounts of Bud and Bud Light. Cuntput solidified his return to his original name of Libercrotchy blessing us with lots of classical tunes on VD’s baby grand piano. Hashers began to do hasher things ensuring another hangover by playing Flippy cup and then 3 Man.
Some hashers enjoyed each other so much that I believe VD’s bedroom was christened not once, but twice with acts that might have even made Ms. White blush. Hopefully there’s a Just out there with a good enough story to be named now 😉
Thanks to VD for hosting the best trail and On After of the year so far, and to everyone who came out and didn’t break anything! And special thanks to Princess Albert who not only drove my drunk ass after we left VD’s, but also walked with me in the cold and rain later that night to get gas when we ran out on the side of the road. He’s a great house guest and new friend you should all get to know if you have the chance!
Cuntil next time:
ON ON!
-Monoga