#797…Wendy Gets Dirty (30) Hash…Friday, August 10, 2018

It’s back, baby! After basically a 2-year absence, hash trash has returned. Now, you may be wondering, “Why the fuck would you want to be hash scribe?” After all, you are charged with remembering all the things that happened on trail when you’ve likely drank a decent amount of alcohol. My response: our drunken debauchery is too epic to not be chronicled for all to remember – or regret. A little background on me: I spent several years as a reporter, covering all the fun stuff such as municipal council meetings and 3-hour planning board meetings. Let’s just say that a chance to write about the stuff we pull off is a welcome break from what I used to do.

Now, on-on to a (mostly) accurate recap of the Wendy Gets Dirty (30) Hash. On a hot, humid evening, the hashers gathered at SEXson Park in southern Indianapolis for a trail that celebrated Wendy Flufferporn’s 30th birthday. Hashers included 13” Cocktower, Desperate Lay, Secret Diddler Man, Dis-Whoriented, Show Me Your Dong, I’m The Piano Man, Dumb Cumster, Showcase Shartdown, Wet Back, Cuntpletely Forgettable, NEEEEERRRRRD!, Flabong Me, I’ll Fucking Kill You, Rough Sextimate, Just Matt, visitors from Boston and Cincinnati, and three virgins. Hares Wendy Flufferporn, wearing a ribbon saying “Show Me Ur Tits, It’s My Birthday”, and Nautical Pussy provided everyone with party hats, including four unicorn ones that were snatched up quickly. Prior to taking off ahead of everyone else, the hares provided their fellow hashers with instructions about a couple of marks they would see on trail, such as a picture/playground check, and a turkey/eagle split, where they could choose between an easier, shorter trail (turkey), or a longer, more rewarding one (eagle). Cocktower, serving as RA, then explained some of the other trail marks, such as boob and dick checks, shot checks, back checks, and every hasher’s favorite, the beer near.

Trail started on some railroad tracks, as the FRBs crossed them and made a left, only to be greeted with a back check leading to a grassy area. The next major mark was a shot check at a spot along the tracks where they could view the road below. Here, hashers downed some kind of mango-flavored hard liquor, which made one remark that it made him want a pina colada. Everyone then proceeded down a steep embankment, which left hashers grabbing branches to prevent them from sliding on their ass (or worse) to the area below. The trail proceeded to Garfield Park, where a hare’s arrow directed people across a river, though most of the gang crossed it by walking across a bridge. The first beer check was on a hill near the Garfield Park Arts Center, where there was a showing of “Black Panther.” After hashers got properly refreshed, trail led under a train tressel, which was a little tricky to navigate and left some with black streaks on their clothes or bodies. Speaking of streaks, it should be noted that the boob and dick checks on this trail were in very public places (nothing wrong with that!), and this mark was almost always navigated by solving trail. Trail made its way into a neighborhood where Cocktower came across some people working on a car. Seeing him dressed in a kilt strolling about the neighborhood, they remarked something like, “What in the good god are you doing?” Cocktower explained hashing to them. He described how we have to solve a trail by following marks, and that we take breaks to drink beer and socialize, causing the townies to laugh. A hasher somewhere behind Cocktower came across a ploof of flour in this same area with a beer on top of it. Must have been a donation from the townies, The second beer check was in the backyard at Wendy’s house, where there was sacred fluid and desserts such as birthday cupcakes. At this stop, Desperate, carrying the hashit, used Monogamistake’s grandfather’s penis pump to apply suction (who said suction?) to people’s arms. I think there may have been a misinterpretation of the phrase “so fucking pump”. Instead of it being “so..fucking..pump”, hashers must have interpreted it as “so, fucking pump?”. Following a shot check where there was cake-flavored vodka, trail ended back at SEXson Park.

In circle, the hashers voted that Nautical and Wendy laid a S-H-I-T-T-Y trail, and the hares had to do a down-down. Cuntpletely Forgettable was honored for completing her 100th hash (technically, this was her 101st), and she was given a mug in which hashers offered donations that she then proceeded to down. Accusations included Desperate pointing out the chivalry displayed by one of the virgins, Just Leroy, who, as he lives in the neighborhood, provided beer to his fellow hashers. Among the announcements, IndyScent’s 19th Analversary is Saturday, August 25 starting at 3 p.m. The on-after is at  Monogamistake and Boxxxy’s house, and will include a keg and food. Banned Camp, which has a back to school theme, is September 14-16 at Shakamak State Park Group Campsite in Jasonville, Indiana. Nautical provided details about the next two trails he is haring. On Wednesday, September 5, when he will be teaming up with Just Matt, who will be losing his haring virginity, the hash will be in that most difficult of places, Carmel. On Saturday, September 29, when he will haring with Show Me Your Dong, I’m The Piano Man, it will be a chiropractic trail, meaning there will be a bevy of back checks.

On-after was at the nearby Bowhaus Tap, where several hashers bought Wendy drinks for her birthday. There was beer, pizza and karaoke, where hashers performed songs such as Aladdin and “Under The Sea” from “The Little Mermaid.” Unfortunately, the karaoke session also included one of the bar employees singing Britney Spears’ “Baby One More Time”, which left several hashers cringing.

On-on,

Just Matt